Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
