just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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