I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
