I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
