i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
