I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
