I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
