I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
