I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are my feet made of real feet?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
