The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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