I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
