Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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