Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
