hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
