I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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