I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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