I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
