I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
