My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
