I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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