Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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