You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
