He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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