last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
