We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
