how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
