i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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