can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
