god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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