Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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