You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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