You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She bit a glass in half.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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