Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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