wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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