My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
