Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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