i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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