She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
