If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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