First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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