just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the day after is always just damage control
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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