If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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