Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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