If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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