Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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