When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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