I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
