They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
