She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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