That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
